Refection of the past while

wow...so it's been almost a year since I last posted. I don't ever post here cause of 2 different reasons, which completely contradict each other. One, I honestly don't think anyone reads this and two, I don't want to let people know what's going on with me. I guess it kind of contradicts each other but not at the same time. The problem here is that I struggle with figuring out what's too personal to post and what's ok to post. I mean after all, this is on the internet. Even with the supposed privacy settings, somehow things can be leaked out. To prove my point, I just found out there's a new feature (?) where you can check the status of your blog and see who reads it. One of the stat sections shows a map and shows where in the world you have viewers. I had a viewer in Russia. I don't know a single soul in Russia. Well, digressing to my actual post. I was just working on an online course where I have to post on a forum weekly about the articles that we've read and what not which got me thinking about the overall experience of my degree so far. My first year officially ends in less than 2 weeks and I feel like I've grown a lot; in my relationship with God, as myself, and I think I've learned an abundance of things. With that said, I also realize just how much more there is out there to learn simply just in the academic sense, there's SO much more for me to learn. In terms of seeing clients in the future, there are going to be things that I will face that I've only heard of or read briefly and there's a ton of material that I can still learn and research more about. In terms of myself, I think it's a long journey to be able to get to know myself and it takes constant hard work of continual introspection and reflection which I love to do (if you didn't catch that, there's a truck load worth of sarcasm packed into that one little word). And of course, my understanding of God and who he is, is also a crazy long journey that I'll be continuously learning throughout my life. It's a crazy long journey that I'm really looking forward to be going on though because I know it'll be great. Don't get me wrong, I don't see it to be a perfect journey with smooth sailings all the way, but I know he'll always be there whether the sun's out and it's smooth sailing or when the storm is raging all around me.

Before this gets too long, here's an email I wrote to myself just before I decided to post it here. It's kind of my safer place to freely write I guess. A really odd idea and method of journaling I know, but it just feels more safe you know?

I keep saying that I've learnt so much this past year but I don't think I've actually said anything specific. I said I've learned a lot about myself and a lot at school in general but I've never gotten into the specifics beacuse I think I've realized that I've grown, I've changed, and I've been exposed to so much more than I have before but it seems like it's a non-stop process and that it's just gone on and on that I've never really had time to stop and think what I've actually learned. So here are some specific things that I think God has shown me in the past while

Pain and suffering

I've heard it, I've read about it but I've never really experienced it. Sure, I've been hurt and have suffered in my own way, but I think my eyes have been opened to more pain, hurt and suffering than I ever have before in the past year. Things that I hear about and have learned about before. Abuse, rape, neglect, etc....I've learned and heard about all these things before but I think God has really opened my eyes this past year in understanding the the severity of damage and cruelty that these things have done to people. I've learned about these things from a textbook or from a prof but I've never heard about it from a real life person and I think it was easy for me to distant myself from these things because....well, I don't think i really had a reason or need to understand such a thing. It sounds really selfish and I don't doubt that it is but why would anyone want to be in pain right? I don't really know what changed in the last year. Maybe it's the fact that I'm trying to be a counsellor and trying to understand people that I've finally started to understand the depths of despair and agony people go through. I guess I'm starting to realize that by understanding someone's pain, I can more easily walk alongside the person and journey with a person just as Christ walks with us. With my eyes beginning to open and start understanding the pain, I think God has also shown me His love, grace, mercy and compassion. Seeing the torments and distress of others has allowed me to also see how God redeems. How he loves us. How he cares for us. How he suffers and cries with and beside us when we're in despair and in the depths of Sheol. Oddly enough, the more I see tragedy, the more I see God's redemptive power and healing. I guess that's notion of relativity. You're blinded if you only see one side of the spectrum and it's not only until you see the other side that you really understand and appreciate the one side you saw. But I guess in my case right now, I was almost in the middle of the spectrum, fairly limited in my sight both directions. But it wasn't until I could stand up on the stool and look further left on the continuum of pain and suffering, was I also able to turn my head to the right and see God's compassion. This is a terrible analogy that does not even come close to describing the truth about the theology of suffering because I believe that God is in the midst of our suffering, but you get the point. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, one of the most important things that I've learned in the past while is to walk alongside someone just as Christ walks alongside us whether we acknowledge it or not. Walking alongside with someone is to understand their suffering, not that I'll ever fully comprehend another person's pain, but acknowledging it, and carrying it with them through their turbulent storm and mess. It's to empathize with the person and being with them but not just 'rescuing' them by trying to take their pain away. It's like you're sharing the weight of their pain and helping to carry it to the foot of the cross where you can help put down the burden and rest in the presence of the Lord.