God's grace IS enough, but am I lacking faith in His grace or am I just too prideful to accept His grace?

The other day during worship, we sang a song called Your Grace is Enough by Matt Maher. Vivacious, upbeat, and lively, I fell in love with this feel-good song the very first time I heard it just because of the simple and catchy melody line with a driving beat that makes it energetic. I loved the straightforward guitar riffs. The more I listened to it, the more I loved it and the more it got stuck in my head. The more I listened, the more i appreciated the lyrics of the song thereby making me like it more and listen to it more. Simply put, I just really like the song. Something strange happened on Sunday during service though. Something didn't feel quite right when the congregation was singing it....when I was singing it. It might have been partially due to the weird combination in the worship team (?). If I remember correctly, I believe there were no drums in this particular song so it sounded hollow but that is besides the point. When the song started, I started singing, but I just couldn't get myself into the song. Strange, because as I mentioned above, I love this song. I felt like something was holding me back form singing and proclaiming that God's Grace is enough for me. I couldn't get into the song so I just started reading the lyrics and began to ponder. "Your Grace is enough, Your Grace is enough, Your Grace is enough for me." How could I not be into this song?! How is God's grace not enough for me?! I didn't get it. I'm pretty sure I understand God's grace. I don't mean i can fully comprehend every detail of His Grace, but I do understand the premise of it. Was I lacking faith in trusting that God's grace is enough for me? Possibly? Or was I too prideful to accept God's grace in thinking that I should somehow pay God for His grace? I don't know. I was confused and I'm still sort of confused...

Pour down your mercy and grace on me oh Lord. Reveal yourself to me and help me realize that your grace has liberated me from the bondage of the world's expectations of me and of my own expectations for myself. Reveal your grace to me in ways that I can understand, and help me grasp and revel in the glory that is Your grace. Break my pride, God (gently please), so that I will learn to not lean on my own understanding but that I may look to you and follow the path that you have set before me.

Introspection

It's kind of funny how life is full of ironies and so do many of my blog posts. My lack of attentiveness towards this blog or complete avoidance of it completely proves the point that I'm going to make....I just briefly thought it through in my head but I guess I should digress and explain so whoever reads this (including future me) will understand.

Before that happens, I would just like to point out that I haven't touched this blog in so long that Blogger itself renovated the site and it took me a while to figure out this new layout. Actually, I didn't really bother figuring it out and am really just hoping that my typing/rambling will not be done in vain (ie: deleted).

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I've recently decided that I would apply for more schooling to study counselling. To be honest, I'm not really sure if I've really decided to but that's kind of what's happening. What I mean is that deep down I do have a desire to pursue further studies in counselling but my lack of knowledge of this field of study, insecurities and my lack of faith in God's providence is causing me to doubt myself and God. What really bugs me is just the fact that I have such little faith in God. Why in the world should I doubt God's providence for me when, for one, He has provided for me throughout my life and I know that for a fact. Two, He clearly tells me to not worry in the Bible because even birds who don't sow or harvest are taken care of so I, a child of God and one who was created in His image really have nothing to worry about. And lastly, of course the school I'm applying to is called Providence Theological Seminary. The name of the school itself reminds me of God's faithfulness and his provisions for us. How ironic is that?! (See! I told you life is full of ironies! I think God knows how I always get a kick out of the random moments of irony in my life so he uses them to teach me). 

Going back to the application; I've completed the whole application form and even got my 3 reference forms. All I have left is the simple 400 word autobiographical essay. I purposely left the essay till the very end so I could have more time to think about it. However, considering my special talent and skill of procrastination by avoidance, I still have yet to complete this essay. I honestly thought that this essay would be a cinch, thinking "pft, 400 words?! That's nothing. I always write decent essays that are at least 5 times as long the night before it's due!" In hopes of mailing my application in by Monday before the post office closes, I finally decided to start writing this essay on Friday afternoon, which got pushed back to Friday evening. Of course, I was too tired to think after a long days work and I needed some brain-dead-sit-in-front-of-the-tv time to just do nothing so it got pushed to Saturday morning. Saturday morning rolled around and I was all prepared to go out to a coffee shop to put on my thinking cap and write my heart out before I went to hang out with some friends. Right when I was leaving, my stomach started churning (i've been hit with the flu for the past week) so I just pulled my car straight back into my garage and went to lay down on the couch thinking to myself, "ok, if I don't do it now, I'm definitely going to finish it tonight after supper." Feeling guilty for my procrastination and driven by the tiniest bit of desire for me to get into the school, I stuck to the promise I made to myself and got to work after dinner. 

Upon reading over the criteria for the essay a few times, I realized that this essay is not the piece of cake I thought and secretly hoped it to be. This essay, although a measly 400 words, requires for me to dig deep into my noggin to revisit memories and events that have shaped me, chats and discussions that have influenced me, and of course identifying and acknowledging how God has led me and called me into pursuing this particular ministry. Partly why it's so hard for me is because I don't really see going into this program as pursuing some sort of ministry....but i'll save that for hopefully a future post. Introspection was never my strong point but I came to realize the importance of looking back and reflecting on the past and also the importance of simply thinking things through. It sounds like I don't think things through before I do it, but what I mean is a deeper level of thinking it through. Something about writing or talking with other people helps me process the meddled mess that is my brain. That's one of the reasons why I started this blog in the first place. I remember a speaker once said that he realized how important it was to reflect because it was a way to see how God was working in you. Upon his revelation, he started to email himself, which I thought was sort of weird so instead I started this blog as a means to type(think) things through. Again, reflection and introspection is not something that comes to me easily and it's something that I have to actively work towards. I'm not sure why, but self-reflection just doesn't feel very comfortable at times and I find it to be hard to do. Maybe it's because in doing so, I have to be vulnerable with myself? I have no idea. Either way, I realize that I shouldn't always just pick apart the things that happen around me, but also the things that are happen to and within me so I can see how God is a part of them. 

I feel like I'm just rambling now and it's getting late so maybe i'll finish this another time. Hopefully I'll have good news about finishing the daunting essay.